


A Life Of My Own: Einstein's Theory of Insanity

by astrogypsycat



Category: myownwork
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:01:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9396728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astrogypsycat/pseuds/astrogypsycat
Summary: I AM CURRENTLY WRITING AN AUTO-BIOGRAPHY MY MOTHER IS LITERALLY INSANE AND ALWAYS TRIES TO INVADE MY STUFF AND YELL AT ME IDK ANYWAYS FEEL FREE TO READ. IT PROBABLY DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE YET IM STILL DEVELOPING A LOT OF STUFF ATM!!!





	1. Introducing Disappointment

**Author's Note:**

> I AM CURRENTLY WRITING AN AUTO-BIOGRAPHY MY MOTHER IS LITERALLY INSANE AND ALWAYS TRIES TO INVADE MY STUFF AND YELL AT ME IDK ANYWAYS FEEL FREE TO READ. IT PROBABLY DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE YET IM STILL DEVELOPING A LOT OF STUFF ATM!!!

     For some reason I always thought that being in love was for the beautiful and fit people. It was always my belief that the outsiders of beauty were never meant to feel loved or feel beautiful. We were just mindlessly living our lives, trying our best to find something to love about ourselves. Waking up that extra hour to fix our hair and make-up to drive attention from our deepest flaws. We were slaves to society...but I wanted to be different. I wanted to push the walls that enclosed around me, to break the rules of what society wants of me. Ever since I was a child I had this predisposition of feeling like I was destined for a greatness that no one but myself could achieve. I embraced being as different and as adventure seeking as possible, despite all that held me back. 

     I grew up in a rural area of Virginia. I lived a happy childhood until the day I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on medication that turned me into a Zombie. I would go days on end without eating and weighed 49 pounds at the age of 12. It was a very distressing time for me and my family. I was eventually taken of the medication and gained a lot of weight and ya-da-ya-da.... My family was mentally abusive, I went through depression, tried to run away, had no friends but a small community online that I talked to. Dated a girl online, she dumped me for a guy. We're still bestfriends... Boring stuff...

     Now I was living in Pennsylvania, I had never thought I would _ever_ leave Virginia in my life. I stayed in the same spot for my whole life until my step-dad was laid off and we took everything to PA. Now here I was in an interview with the Pizza Shop in a grocery store that I had worked in already for a year. I still had no friends and I had been working on register. It sucked, to say the least. I lived in a very uptight, rich area that I was definitely not used to. Although I was usually sad and lonely, I wanted to be positive to and to try and make friends, but being on register that was nearly impossible. There were never many opportunities to talk to anyone, not that any of the people were very nice. They were mostly pretty pretentious, except a handful of people. I wanted to meet someone different, someone who was fun and I could confide my thoughts into.

     "So what makes you qualified to work in our pizza department?" The cafe manager asked me. Although I worked in the same store as the pizza department, I was still required to have an interview.

     "Well, my step-dad is Italian!" I laughed because in all honesty I was not prepared for this interview at all.

     He chuckled, not actually amused. He seemed annoyed and uncomfortable by my comment as he cleared his throat and fixed his papers. "That is helpful, but I still need a real answer."

     "Uh, I have incredible customer service skills and I enjoy working with people. I need to make some more friends here, and I think the pizza department will be a great start to making more friends!" 

     He nodded and we continued the interview with a series of mundane questioning and responding then when it ended he shook my hand and said he would let me know. I was actually a little nervous, I mean the idea of working in an actual hard-working department sounded intimidating and although I worried and tried to mentally prepare myself for this journey, saying to myself everyday "psychology says to pick the option you are afraid of to help your mental growth," this did not actually ever truly prepared me for what I was about to go through.

     The reason I had picked the pizza department from all the other departments was because I had a crush on a girl there. Her name was Sharon, and she was really cool and nice whenever she and I would talk while she cleaned the soda machines by the registers. I really wanted to get to know her better and when the day finally came to me working in the pizza shop I walked up to the glass and smiled some at her as she chatted with another girl in the shop.   
     

     "Uh, hey... I don't know where to clock in..." I said a bit timidly as I waited patiently for a response. 

     She completely ignored me.

     "Uh, Sharon...?"

     "Go to the back, you'll find it." She pointed to the double doors further down behind me, passing the kitchen and seafood/meat departments. Her words were harsher than they usually were when she spoke to me and I was wearing the hat she had giving me the day before for my first day. 

     She was probably just having a bad day, I consoled myself as I walked to the back. It was too early for me to punch in so I sat in a dirty corner because the clock in clock for registers always had a bench next to it. I thought about when I first saw Sharon as I sat in the cold, tight corner. She was wiping a counter, I remember how solid her arms looked and how the hot the counter must have been because steam wafted through the air as she wiped so precisely. Everything seemed to slow into rhythm with the soft movement of her hand wiping to and fro on the counter even the steam seemed to slowly rise in time. Her skin was a light ivory and her brown eyes set on her steady wiping. It was my favorite thing to see whenever I would talk to her. I found out quickly that she wasn't a perfect girl either. She was frankly rude, loud, un-classy and blunt. She spoke with gusto and burped insanely loud and sometimes it sounded like a roaring dragon; it really is that loud. But...on some rare occasions, however, she has the eyes of a child and giggled like a flustered teenager. She had this way of captivating those around her and those who spoke to her.

     I sighed and closed my eyes. Sometimes I did miss Virginia... Sometimes I missed the plain rural area I lived in with the infinite blistering hot summers and the mild winters. I knew from the beginning, this would be so-so hard but we had to move her...and I choose to push myself and perhaps prove a bit of self worth to the people I would meet so I could find someone here to lean on.

     I opened my eyes and finally clocked in then proceeded back to the pizza shop where Sharon ignored me for a few moments until she walked over to me and muttered a "hi."

    "Hi." I replied quickly.

    "So, I'm gonna train you today-"

     I felt like my heart might explode from my chest.

    "And you're lucky because I just took a training class this morning at six am."

    She had a rhythm in the way she moved as she showed me around the pizza shop and finally we came to a table with flour covering it. "We're going to start with shells." She said as she gestured to dough balls on the table.

    "Shells?"

    "Yes, shells." She repeated and roughly pressed her soft hands into the dough to flatten it somewhat. She sprinkled flour onto the table below a machine. She flicked the machine on and looked over to me then back to the dough. The machine was large and loud it was clear to see that you had to put the dough on one end and it came out at the bottom and when she did that, the dough was flat. She did it twice with ease.

     "Your turn." She muttered and we switched spots in the tiny space. I did the same to the next dough ball and laughed some. "This is cool, I've never seen this."

    "It's just a dough press." She said, completely unamazed.

    I knew that she's had a rough life. That was textbook to notice, given the edge in her voice most of the time. She just has a sadness in her eyes that I wish I could pluck away like a loose eyelash. She was too beautiful, and kind, to have life spit in her face. Now I can speak with her whenever I please, trouble is that I find myself stumbling over my words and saying boring things. 

    "Oi! Two times. Turn it once." She said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

    "Right..." I said nervously as I turned it.

    My best friend's mother was a fortune teller and once she told my future and said that I was to achieve a great love but I've never truly understood how that was possible. The way I saw it, every love was a great one. There was never one true epic story of love. I mean, you can tell me all about Romeo and Juliet or all about Catherine of Wuthering Heights, but I am telling you every single love is a great one.

    "Alright, let's make a pizza." Sharon said to me.

  
    This was only the beginning of my days in the pizza shop, think what you will. It's just a shop, a shop filled with sweaty and irritated workers. A shop filled with laughter and hope for the future. Sharon was the reason I came to the pizza shop. Sharon was the reason I was thrown on a roller coaster of emotion and chaos. All because of a silly crush, I ended up to where I am now.

 

                                                                           


	2. Meeting Meatbags

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you are enjoying my auto-biography than that's frickin awesome, obviously names have been changed to protect the identities of peeps so yeah

     I never believed in love at first sight and I still don't, but when I met him I had a giddy skip in my heart from just seeing him.

     I was a week or two into working in pizza when I actually had a conversation with him. He had a sparkle in his eye and a wicked grin. I could tell there was something dark about him, but I thought nothing of it. I ignored most of the feelings I felt about him and tried to focus on Sharon.

     "So, what's your name again?" He asked as he helped me make shells. One of the steps to prepping a shell is called docking. The docker is a spiked tool we use, the spikes themselves are rounded at the end so you couldn't really pierce the dough. Whenever I would dock I would try to do it as neatly as possible but when I watched him dock, he would roll the docker aggressively and chaotically across the dough, causing unaligned tiny dents in the dough. An accurate representation of our first meeting. Clear minded, and neat colliding into a chaotic minded and unpredictable. 

     "Hayley..." I smiled and stretched the dough. "You're Jasper, right?"

     He chuckled and pushed the dough through the whirring dough press. "Yeah, everyone calls me Elmer, though."

     I laughed a bit because it was such a dorky name for such a seemingly handsome boy. He was tall, tan and had kind of gerbil-y cheeks. He had a lean body, and a thick neck. His teeth reminded my of shark teeth, all straight and white and all pretty sharp looking, not razor sharp but each tooth was pronounced. He had really big and warm looking hands and long fingers that reminded me of spiders.

     "Well, I think I'm gonna call you Jasper."

     I know what you're thinking.  _The handsome boy that changed her life forever. So tall, so dark, so handsome!_ And you are 100% correct. This boy did change my life...but not in the way that you think he did.

     I had never met people with such distaste for other humans in my life and at the same felt so much love from these same people. Everyone in the pizza shop within the walls of this vast grocery store were so different from each other. It was beautiful to meet these people and I knew after meeting them I will never be in a family like this again... I would never meet such wonderful people like this and work like this ever again. 

     The way this whole pizza shop was set up- it was in a grocery store, where I had previously been a cashier there. There is a whole restaurant section, there was Kitchen that sat diagonal to us on the right and beside kitchen was seafood and then the meat department. Across the meat department was the deli and beside the deli was the bakery. On one side of the bakery (closest to deli) they baked cupcakes and treats and on the other side of the bakery (diagonal to the left of us) they baked actual bread. Then there was us along the wall across from all of those places. Beside us was a sub shop and beside the sub shop there was the coffee shop and then it broke off the the produce section and the rest of the grocery store. On our side ( across from the kitchen) there was also beer and a cafe further past the beer section. 

     I started walking towards the sub shop to retrieve wings that were being baked in the sub's oven that they used to bake their own bread for subs and we used to bake wings. I passed a young girl with long wavy hair, much like how mine was, minus the healthy glow hers had. Her hair was tied in a hair tied and pulled through the cap we were required to wear. She was curvy and had a soft face. "You are really pretty." I commented on my way to the oven that was located in the dish room/sub prep area (weird, I know).

     Her face brightened and she smiled at me. "Thanks, so are you." 

     I smiled and continued to the oven. I pulled it out and walked to the pizza section with it. I went to the back of the department where the fryer sat and a silver table. I placed the wings on the silver table where Jack was making some wings. "Thanks." He muttered out. Jack was a pretty quiet dude. He seemed to look older than he was and sometimes he was talktive when the newer people weren't really around.

      I went back to the sub shop to introduce myself to the girl. "My name is Hayley, by the way. I don't think we have met yet." I held my hand out to shake hers.

     She smiled and went to shake my hand. "My name is Amber."

     We small talked for a second and then I returned to the pizza shop and later that night was put with Jasper on dishes. He played music; music that a nineties hippie might listen to, if that makes any sense. It filled the whole dishroom with life I haven't seen in a long time. "Hi," I smiled to him. I really wanted to be friends with him. I mean, I never thought someone as handsome would ever like someone like me. I wasn't really all that interested to begin with though, I leaned more towards girls at that time. 

     "Hey, what's up cool-cat. Have you done dishes before?" He asked as he stood rinsing a container.

     "No, I haven't. This is my first time." I smiled a little shyly and he nodded and tossed a dish into another sink. There were three sinks. You were supposed to use the first one for for rinsing, the second for soap and the third for just water, and the fourth for sanitizer. Most people just used the first for rinsing, the second for soap, the third for sanitizer and the fourth for nothing except filling spare dishes in. 

     "Alright, I'll put away then to make things go faster." He hummed to the music and scooted down to the soap sink and I went to the rinsing sink.

     It was quiet for a bit, I certainly wasn't going to try to start a conversation. I've always tried to avoid conversing with attractive and seemingly popular people. He was the one to jump start this conversation. 

     "You with anyone?" He asked and honestly I thought nothing of this question. It seemed like he just wanted to pass the time, and that could just be what he was doing. 

     "No, my girl-friend just dumped me." I sighed some but I didn't really feel that broken up about it. 

     "Yeah, I feel you on that. My girlfriend works in produce, I'm not doing much with my life so she basically said get a full-time job or you lose me."

     I was a little shaken by the aggression by those words. I mean, to break up with someone because of how successful they are seemed outlandish to me. Something I never believed in really. "Gee, that's really intense." I said to him and he just shrugged. "She's right," he said with a hint of sadness in his voice, "I gotta work on myself." 

     I felt warm by his love for her and I looked at him and smiled gently. "I think you can do it! You can totally win her back, I just know it."

     He seemed to be taken by my excitement and smiled happier. "Yeah, and maybe you can win your girlfriend back too!" 

     "Maybe..." I laughed some and put a way a cambro. The girl I had been interested in lived 2,000 miles away. She lived in Salt Lake City, Utah. I had met her through an online community for a show we both liked. She ended things, and I understood. It was hard to have a long distant relationship. I was ready to move on and I wanted to try to get close to Sharon, while I liked boys too, I was more interested in girls. 

     "Are you guys done yet?" Our co-worker Genevieve asked (everyone call her Gen).

     "Yeah, we are just finishing up." I responded quickly. I always thought that Gen was really cool and sweet. I always wanted to be good friends with her.

     "Alright, we're done down here. I'll take some of the dishes you finished back to the department." She said as she grabbed some fryer baskets filled with other smaller dishes that belonged in the department. 

     I looked at Jasper and he hummed to the Strokes, putting dishes away. In this moment, I felt hope for my future...for what was to come from being a part of this place. It was so amazing and wonderful how these people lived and how much they cared about each other without really expressing it. All of them were beautiful to me...all of them and I will always miss who I was when I started here. A girl who just dreamed and never stopped dreaming.

 

**"A kid at heart, a soul that is always kind..."**

 

 

 


	3. The Crave Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so it's my birthday in ten days and im gonna be 21 who wants to get lit guys? 
> 
> real talk though, this is probably one of the hardest things i have ever done in my life. writing this... there are no words...

     When I was a little girl, I believed in everything. I never doubted Santa's existence, or God's for that matter. If my mom said it was true, it was and nothing in my mind could tell me otherwise...until I actually formed my own ideas.

     Growing up, My mom told me _"ladies don't sit like that... Boys won't like you if you act like that... If you cry, I'll give you something to cry about... God is going to strike you down if you lie to me..."_ I learned to keep a lot to myself. If you've ever heard of the saying "talk shit- get hit"- well, with my mom it was "talk about your problems, get hit" because there was no reason for me to have problems in my mothers eyes. My mother and even step-father have taken turns using me as a punching bag (metaphorically speaking, they did not hit me with the intentions of bruising or welting. Usually just a smack to put me in place). My parents would basically play a game of tug a' war until one of them got really mad and they yelled at me for whatever reason they could think of to yell at me for. 

     When I was six I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication. Different kinds of pills made me feel in different kind of ways. One would make me sad, one would make me angry until they found one that just wouldn't make me feel. I'll never forget how much I hated taking the medicine and I'll never forget seeing them on my breakfast plate. While my other siblings lived life normally and un-medicated, I lived a life barely eating and slumping from place to place. Not everyday was bad because I have a personality that tries to make/see the best in everything/everybody. I spent a lot of time outside with my dog and on weekends with (step)sister too.

     I tried to make the most of everything, as I always have. If you focus on the little things in life, it's easy to forget the big part of life. That's the part I always wanted to forget. I wanted to forget who was pulling the strings that were tied around my wrists and ankles- who was making the most of my pain...and who was the one causing it. The one who slipped pills onto my plate and told me they knew best. The ones who locked me in my room and would get mad when I didn't come out. The ones who brainwashed me into feeling worthless because if someone puts a finger in your face and said you were no good...you'll believe it. You'll believe you are worthless if you are told so in your darkest hours. 

     During this part of my life, I knew what was going on was wrong and I knew that they were wrong...but I wanted to ignore it. I wanted a normal life so badly that I tried to conform to whatever they wanted of me... I thought about how I could escape so often, yet I never tried to leave because how can you leave something that has told you all your life that you are nothing without them. That you can't make it without them and you know the saying: if you can't beat them, join them. I saw no reason to change myself. They wanted me to stay, wanted something to control and to take anger out on and I was being played like the fool I was. So I stayed...

     Until he showed me freedom and he broke the spell I was under. He showed me what life meant and that fighting for something you love would be worth any injury, mental or physical. I loved freedom...but the question was did I love him? I will tell you right now there is not a moment or a part of me that has ever held hate for this boy. He gave my life meaning and showed me what I was always missing out on. It was beautiful, really... He was beautiful...but toxic at the same time. 

    The day he came in for his full-timer interview, that was when he would change my life. I always wanted to stick up for him because everyone in pizza tried to drag him down when he stepped out of his place. I wanted to stick up for him because I've always liked people who tried to stand out. I watched as he approached the cafe manager and shook his hand. 

     I heard Sharon scuff from behind me. "He won't last..." She said with distaste. "Being full-time here requires skill and experience and he has neither of those."

     I balled my fists and felt angry at how she belittled him. "You don't know that, I think he can do it. I believe he can do it. You don't know, he might surprise all of us."

     She laughed some. "Nothing surprises any of us."

     I sighed and shook my head. I looked back up at him as he stood far off in the cafe, laughing and talking to the cafe manager. Using that charming smile of his that could make any heart jump.

     After he left I couldn't believe I had talked to my crush like that. I felt dumb for feeling angry on behalf of a boy I didn't even know...then again I didn't know Sharon. I was all kinds of confused at this point. I'm certain that Sharon didn't care at all about what I said, I mean she has a girlfriend already. I had found out about this a little while ago. They seemed very in-love and very happy together, that didn't change the fact that I had a bit of a crush on her. I think it was her brute strength that I liked. The strength that hid behind her child-like eyes. 

 

     A few days passed and Kayleigh (my ex-girlfriend) noticed that I was watching Korean soap operas, something I only do when I'm sad. 

      **W** **hat's wrong?** She texted me and I grumbled.

      **Nothing.**

**Nothing? Or something...?**

**Nothing.** I turned my phone off.

     What was I thinking coming into the pizza shop? With a department like that would come friends and with friends comes disappointment. All of my friends disappear in time. No matter how close and not to any fault of their own. I'm terrible at communication and especially since I moved here from Virginia. I've just always had problems keeping friends, plus it's more efficient in my mind to just keep away from that stuff, not to mention my overbearing mother. She has to meet everyone I hang out with and I'm eighteen. It's a little embarrassing and puts people off when I brought them over in the past. Yes, it was better for me to keep to myself until I could make it on my own...but that didn't stop me the next day when I mustered the courage to ask Jasper to hangout.

     He was tossing wings into the fryer baskets and one landed in the trash can. I laughed and so did he slightly.  _Come on Hayley, just do it... Just ask to hangout._ _Why are you even nervous, you are trying to woo Sharon, not him-_ I hushed my mind because it really was silly. I'm not interested in him, but boys are unpredictable because I never really befriended them, only attempted to date them. Whereas with girls, I dated or befriended them. Now I'm just rambling on, okay _focus_...

     "We should hangout sometime..." I blurted some and he looked at me, "I-I don't have a lot of friends, I dunno... We seem to like similar things, well...from a few small conversations... I don't know what I'm saying, yeah..."  _Perfectly constructed, you idiot._

     He laughed fondly, "Yeah, sure."

      _OH MY GOD HE SAID YES! Wait how do I ask when and when should we hangout._

     "There's a customer, could you grab them while I deal with these wings?" He asked, snapping me out of my daze.

     "Sure..." I smiled and went over to greet the customer.

     Later that day I was going to message Jasper on my phone a day we could hangout but I realized then that I didn't have his cell number. Perfect, and how does one acquire this information without being creepy? I sighed and opened up Facebook. Maybe I could find him. I typed "Jasper" into the search engine and couldn't find him. He doesn't seem like the type to really care for Facebook now that I think about it. Oh well... I should just give it time I guess. I put my phone away and went to bed. 

     That night I dreamed I was in a country style home filled with coo-coo clocks and country style furniture. There was no other noise but the sound of clocks ticking, startled by the silence, I wondered outside and found a lake with fog reeling in from the right side of the lake. It looked liked the lake that used to be behind my old house. The one I was meant to grow up in...the one where my happiest and purest memories stayed. The brown house. I found myself walking towards the lake and a stone surfaced. I cautiously went to step onto it and it was solid. Another stone just like it popped up in front of me again and I took another step forward. I continued on this stone path until I was surrounded by fog. I couldn't see anything but fog and I got scared. I started running until I woke to the sound of my alarm the next morning.

     I breathed heavily in my bed and closed my eyes tightly then stopped my alarm and got ready for the day. 

 

 


	4. My Villianess Bowl

     "Super bowl is busy?" I asked, blinking some as Brad and Tod brought up the frozen load. It was stacked so high this time. 

     Everyone laughed at me.

     "What?" I questioned as I put a pizza away in the warmer.

     Tod simply smiled and said, "step into my office." And away he and I went into the cooler. "Look around you." He said as he stepped back and I looked around in the cooler and noticed the triple stock of everything and we still had a whole runner full of more stuff. 

     "Oh dear god."


End file.
